Seventh-Grade Book Report: Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus // Aaron D. Fried

My book report is on Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus, by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley. My whole life I’ve wanted to read Frankenstein ever since last month on Halloween. My mom told me not to. She said it was too old for me, but ha, I read it anyway. My dad says he writes his work reports using something called bullets, and since writing this report was a lot of work, I used bullets here too. Anyway, here it goes…

• I love this book! It was very inspirational. Any time you can read a how-to guide on creating a monster, you have to do it. And I’m excited to try it out! The only difficulty is figuring out who I should use. I thought about my little sister, but after I’m done transforming her into a monster, no one would be able to tell the difference.

• Another part of the novel I loved was when Dr. Frankenstein stopped doing his homework and going to class in order to focus on creating a monster. This is an important lesson—if you are excited about a project, you should skip school to do it. I have a bunch of these types of projects in mind. See Mom, I told you I should read this book!

Unfortunately, Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus wasn’t all killings and craziness, there were some negatives too.

• The title’s kinda mid. She should have just called it Frankenstein and not added the Modern Prometheus part. First, she wrote the book over 200 years ago! That’s definitely not modern. Second, I read about Prometheus in Wikipedia, and what Zeus did to him is totally gross. Don’t look it up.

• Parts of this novel are totally cap. The whole book is a bunch of letters some sailor wrote to his sister. His letters tell a story that Dr. Frankenstein told him. That story includes a story the monster told Dr. Frankenstein. That story includes a story a family told the monster. This novel is a story inside a story inside a story inside some letters. And we’re supposed to believe nothing got changed along the way?

  The whole thing feels fishy to me. Have you ever played the game Telephone? Me neither. But apparently, it’s an old person’s game where a phrase gets more mixed up the more times it’s told. That’s totally happening here. Not about creating the monster, of course, or about Dr. Frankenstein skipping school—I’m totally sure those parts are correct, but about the other stuff.

  I did some research on this book (Mrs. Gingerbread, please note for extra credit). Apparently, some people think this book is about the dangers of science without morality, and others think it is about taking ownership and care for what you create, but I think Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus is really about how gullible sailors are.

Overall, I give the book two big thumbs up! This novel should especially appeal to anyone who wants to create a monster for themselves, and sailors bored at sea.

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Aaron D. Fried recently retired from the insurance industry to focus on writing—an endeavor he finds significantly more fun and only marginally less glamorous. Aaron lives in Michigan with his wife and, when he’s lucky, one or both of his grown children.

Terrible Pitch: Gatorade for Babies // Andy Clark

Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my unscheduled pitch. Please put all your cellphones in the bag. Security will be breaking through the door any minute, and I don’t want people distracted. You’re not gonna want to miss this.

What I’ve brought with me today are three simple words that are going to revolutionize the rehydration industry.

Gatorade. For. Babies.

Please stop crying. This is not a hostage situation, and it's getting distracting. With me is a large sack, look inside. What’s in there? That’s right. Babies. Probably twelve of them. Go ahead, take them out. It’s okay, they don’t bite. They’re babies, not bullies.

Did you know that currently, 80% of the world’s population is babies? And that’s just the United States! They represent the largest untapped gold mine since 2005 Taylor Swift. Why not tap in?

Picture it. There’s a little kiddie pool full of Gatorade. What flavor? Whatever one you’re thinking. Inside the pool? Half a dozen babies. We’ve got babies in goggles, babies with water wings, one of them is playing the electric guitar - she’s the cool baby. Samuel Jackson does a voice-over.

“Gatorade - it’s for babies.”

Don’t like that? What about a baby riding a horse in the middle of the desert? He leads the trusty steed to an oasis. As the horse gorges himself on water, the baby pulls out a 32-oz bottle of Gatorade. He’s wearing a little cowboy hat. It’s adorable.

Please stop crying. Everyone is going to be fine. I told you, the cellphones can come out of the bag when the meeting ends.

A clear night’s sky nestles over a grassy field. It’s quiet, still. From the black air, a single meteor falls from the stars and crashes into the earth. A pack of babies, wild and free, crawls through the soft, wet grass towards the smoky crater. What’s in it? That’s right, Gatorade.

Okay, security’s breached the door. I’m out of time. Please put the babies back in the sack. I’m selling this idea for one million dollars and a binding verbal agreement not to pursue charges.

But before I leave, there’s one thing I have to know:

Is it in you?

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Andy Clark is a writer, educator, and state bocce ball champion (Special Olympics) from Portland, Oregon. When not tossing the old balls around, he can be found writing screenplays and attempting to contribute to various online publications. He recently got a pool, which is huge for him.

The Grapes of Rath by Jon Stineback by Trevor Johnston-Piper // Pat Morris

This 4th grade book report is supposed to be at least 500 words. I couldn’t right only 500 words about the Grapes of Rath if I tried!! That's how good this book is Mrs. Weinburger. Mrs. Delores Susan Weinburger. Are you ready?  Here we go!

According to the dictionary, a grape is an edible, pulpy fruit that grows on vines. Whoa! And rath means a strong and feerce anger. But if you think this book is about angry grapes then your wrong. This is called a metafor. Remember metafors Mrs. Weinburger? We talked about those last week. Grapes are juicy and easy to squash in your hand. Sometimes they are soft and disgusting. So they get angry because they are little and disgusting and people boss them around for no reason. So this is a metafor. Also the grape could be a kid who has a book report due the next morning but his parents say that he already used up all his screen time and they don’t care that he only had time to read the first three lines on Wikipedia. And then he has lots of rath.

Okay so the book is about this family called the Jodes who are really sad and depressed because they have to live in the Depression. It’s really dusty where they live so they can’t grow stuff like grapes. But like I already told you grapes are probably a metafor for other things. Like potatoes.

In this report we are not supposed to just describe the characters and what happens but we have to talk about the themes. You don’t have to ask me twice Mrs. Weinburger. This book has the best themes of any book I’ve ever read. Even better than Dog Man. Dog Man is half cop and half dog and there are themes about how crime doesn’t pay and not to ever trust cats. His head was stitched on to the body of a cop I think. I wanted to be Dog Man for halloween but mom said we already had the cowboy costume and she was tired. Now take all of those themes from Dog Man and times them by a hundred because that’s how many great themes there are in Grapes of Rath.

And how about that ending? Who could see that coming. Not me, that’s for sure. When all those grapes (metafor) finally got there revenge it made me want to stand up and cheer but I sleep on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed and I would of hit my head. I’m gonna ask my mom now if I can be one of the Jodes for Halloween.

I can see that I’m finally already almost at 500 words and I better stop now before I really get going. I know you are a really busy and important lady Mrs Weinburger and probably have lots of better things to do then read your favorite students (ha ha) book report. See you tomorrow!

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Pat Morris teaches English at a community college in Durham, NC. He writes humor pieces, short stories, and is currently revising a novel. Other than writing, he is happiest reading, running, joking around with his wife and kids, and tending to the emotional needs of his pitbull mix, Argo Christmas.

Bone-In Hot Dogs: Terrible Pitch // Seth Allen

Close your eyes: imagine you are hosting the perfect barbecue.

Feel the warm sun, now the cool breeze. Everyone is here, it’s the perfect blend of friends, enemies, and potential lovers. So many compliments on your playlist. “How do you keep the drinks this cold?” says your friend Chris, “You must buy that premium ice, ha ha!” Chris’s joke doesn’t really make sense but everyone laughs because the vibes are that immaculate.

Then you, Vibes God, lift the cover of your hot, sweating, curvaceous grill. A plume of smoke rises, sending the scent of perfectly cooked meat (or vegan meat) dancing across the yard. A hush falls over the crowd, everyone looks at you with anticipation. You grab your tongs (oh, how they gleam) and select a perfectly cooked wiener from the grill. You lift this dog proudly to the sky and proclaim, “Dogs are ready!”

Instead of applause, you hear gasps. Not good gasps, bad gasps. They’re looking at the weiner, and you notice right away how it hangs completely limp in your once proud tongs. Disappointing, unappealing, flaccid humiliation.

Your enemies begin whispering to your potential lovers, and now they’re all laughing at you. Your friends are gone. Chris is dead (suspected suicide). Forever.

Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way. You have time right now to invest in a better future. The future of Bone-In Hotdogs. That’s right, a hot dog with a bone in it. Grill with the confidence you deserve, knowing your dogs will always rise to the occasion, fully torqued, just completely bricked up. It’s juicier, too!

Market testing confirms high demand for our bone-in dogs. We placed a Facebook ad showing a standard limp dog next to one of our bone-in prototypes, with the simple tagline “GET BONED UP NOW,” and received millions of clicks in seconds. Our simple, straight-to-the-point ad was so popular, Facebook removed it and suspended our account. We will not be stopped.

We are looking for partners to invest several million dollars, or whatever you have on you right now, in developing the technology needed to scale our proprietary bone insertion process. Please don’t ask how we do it. Don’t ask what type of bones we use, or where we get them, or how. Seriously, we’ll never tell! What matters is that the perfect barbecue you imagined is finally here. The world is ready. Are you?

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Seth Allen is a comedian in Portland, Oregon. He performs at Helium Comedy Club and at festivals including Bumbershoot, Treefort, Pickathon, and SF Sketchfest. He co-hosts a weekly podcast called The Washed Men.

The Five Useless Love Languages // Jillian Van Hefty

My 4th-grade book report is about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I chose it because my favorite number is five. I looked for other books with that in the title but could only find Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, which sounded super boring and lame and, worst of all, OLD. Also, it seemed inappropriate for a vegan, which I am usually, except when it comes to Chick-fil-A.

This book was on The New York Times Bestseller list for over ten years, which I have to admit is pretty sick. It is hard to imagine anything being so popular unless your video goes viral on TikTok.

SO!!! The Five Love Languages isn’t about real languages like the ones Babbel advertises all the time, so people don’t end up on Locked Up Abroad. In this book, “language” means the communication style used to stay connected to someone you don’t hate. There are five love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, and acts of service.

“Quality time” means being pressured into spending your day with someone when you would rather do more important stuff alone. A good example of this is cruise ship commercials. Sure, the couples look like they’re having fun, but I bet a million dollars she’d prefer to have a staycation watching serial killer documentaries wearing her comfy pajamas instead of walking on a beach wearing stupid high heels and a cheap cocktail dress from Forever 21.

“Words of affirmation” is saying nice things to someone when you really want to rip their face off. A lot of the time, the words are big fat lies, too! Last night, my dad told me, “You are way cooler than Taylor Swift,” (IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!) and “I know you are capable of getting an ‘A’ in math if only you applied yourself.” (ALSO IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! Long division is soooooo hard!!!!!😫)

“Gifts” is giving useless junk to someone who doesn’t think it’s useless junk. Free shipping on Amazon Prime makes it easy for this to happen.

“Physical touch” includes kissing and hugging and other gross things I will learn about next year in 5th-grade health class. It could also mean cuddling or holding hands during a movie, even if it isn’t a scary part.

“Acts of service” is being guilt-tripped into doing work you really don’t want to do for someone who doesn’t even deserve it. For instance, tonight, my mom is making her bussin enchiladas for her mother-in-law (my Memaw 👵🏻), even though Memaw always jabbers on and on about my dad’s old girlfriend who was super cringe and now runs a semi-successful Only Fans page.

I recommend this book to everyone because it teaches you how to have a halfway decent relationship with someone, even if they are needy, insecure, greedy, desperate, and demanding. But personally, I think there is only one true love language, and that is ice cream.

Jillian Van Hefty lives nestled in the woods in Northwest Arkansas with her family and emotional support Keurig. She enjoys making soup, exploring waterfalls, practicing calligraphy, and zipping past slow people on her E-bike. Her work has appeared in the award-winning book, Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter; Points in Case; Jumpkick; Crime Junkie Podcast; The Spoof; Her View from Home; University of Dayton blog; Love What Matters; Haute Dish Literary Journal; Prometheus Dreaming; Eat, Darling, Eat; and the Minnesota Women’s Press, and her mother’s refrigerator.