Terrible Pitch: Gatorade for Babies // Andy Clark
Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my unscheduled pitch. Please put all your cellphones in the bag. Security will be breaking through the door any minute, and I don’t want people distracted. You’re not gonna want to miss this.
What I’ve brought with me today are three simple words that are going to revolutionize the rehydration industry.
Gatorade. For. Babies.
Please stop crying. This is not a hostage situation, and it's getting distracting. With me is a large sack, look inside. What’s in there? That’s right. Babies. Probably twelve of them. Go ahead, take them out. It’s okay, they don’t bite. They’re babies, not bullies.
Did you know that currently, 80% of the world’s population is babies? And that’s just the United States! They represent the largest untapped gold mine since 2005 Taylor Swift. Why not tap in?
Picture it. There’s a little kiddie pool full of Gatorade. What flavor? Whatever one you’re thinking. Inside the pool? Half a dozen babies. We’ve got babies in goggles, babies with water wings, one of them is playing the electric guitar - she’s the cool baby. Samuel Jackson does a voice-over.
“Gatorade - it’s for babies.”
Don’t like that? What about a baby riding a horse in the middle of the desert? He leads the trusty steed to an oasis. As the horse gorges himself on water, the baby pulls out a 32-oz bottle of Gatorade. He’s wearing a little cowboy hat. It’s adorable.
Please stop crying. Everyone is going to be fine. I told you, the cellphones can come out of the bag when the meeting ends.
A clear night’s sky nestles over a grassy field. It’s quiet, still. From the black air, a single meteor falls from the stars and crashes into the earth. A pack of babies, wild and free, crawls through the soft, wet grass towards the smoky crater. What’s in it? That’s right, Gatorade.
Okay, security’s breached the door. I’m out of time. Please put the babies back in the sack. I’m selling this idea for one million dollars and a binding verbal agreement not to pursue charges.
But before I leave, there’s one thing I have to know:
Is it in you?
Andy Clark is a writer, educator, and state bocce ball champion (Special Olympics) from Portland, Oregon. When not tossing the old balls around, he can be found writing screenplays and attempting to contribute to various online publications. He recently got a pool, which is huge for him.